Get Your House in Order: From the Safe Place
And Moses said to the people "Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the LORD will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. The Lord will fight for you; you need only be still." Exodus 14:13
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| It's all about the Cross |
I have had this post written for two years and did not feel to release it until now. I praise God for the journey and for the progress and joy that He gives me, that can be found in NOTHING else. Amen.
If I had one word to describe the year 2013 it would be...different. I celebrated my fourth year being cancer-free, without a word on facebook, an acknowledgement on caringbridge or even so much as a reminder to my family. I needed some time off.Even as both,difficult and freeing, as the cancer diagnosis was, it had become familiar, my new normal. For three years, atleast. I had a new peer group who saw things in a way that made sense to me because they too had walked through it or were currently there.
Over the course of several years, and some hard reality checks, I realized I had something that felt worse than cancer, I was codependent. People talk about cancer, they don't talk about codependency , it's taboo. We just remain silent. I did feel that familiar tug from the Lord that we were about to go around another curve in the road. I buckled my seat belt of truth, which is the Bible and began the next part of the journey. This one required being more aware of the ways I had allowed the enemy to steal my joy. Oh at the joy I have in my heart now because I cleaned out some of the junk.
I remember being at a bookstore ,with the kids,when I came across the book titled "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie. It was in January of 2012, two years ago. I couldn't put it down because I felt like I was reading another part of my life story. I felt upset and relieved at the same time. Now what, Lord? What do I do with this? I was actually ready to open myself up to dealing with my issues rather than shoving them down in my "deep freezer" of a soul. What is that you say? My true feelings and fears were frozen. Solid. I could not live in the denial of thinking it was up to me to rescue, redirect, rehabilitate, or readjust my own life to make others at ease. It caused "dis" ease for me, get it, disease? It's unhealthy, just like having cancer and not treating it,the same thing applies to being codependent and not treating it. This is not someone else's problem, it is mine, I own it. How freeing.
In the past, if I felt threatened or unable to fix something or somebody (ouch) , I grew silent in words. I internalized it or I talked the situation up and down and sideways trying to figure out what I had done wrong or could do better. I worried and prayed and worried and prayed. Somehow I know typing those two words with the word "and" in the middle is not God's design for my life. They contradict each other.
The deep freezer got full. So full that the door would no longer close. So, I began the uncomfortable process of cleaning out the freezer within. I began to take the items out, one by one and use them. Though I would have loved to begin the irrational process of tossing it all out at one time and when I say toss, I mean THROW OUT! And once those items are in the trash it's like.."they never happened." ugghhh. Denial at it's worse! The more I cleaned out, it seemed the more that I remembered from years ago. Mainly just, choices and decisions, made along the way, that had caused the consequences I chose to ignore, until now. I had allowed so much of it and that was a hard pill to swallow! I was thawing out.
I am still thawing out. I am cleansed. I am free. I am no longer full of old hurts, disappointments, or loss. I now have more room in my heart to take care of the one person that houses my heart, me. Through Jesus' love, I am forgiven and free. Recovery from cancer treatment was grueling, recovery from codependency feels the same at first. I have to choose to change my thoughts and my deeds. I have to remain so close to the Shepherd, that there is no time to doubt what I am doing, but just following Him. Even when it's hard and even when it hurts.
On one of those days as I cried out to Him telling him how hurt I was, I heard these words " I am hurt, but you are Holy" and I whispered aloud " your Holiness covers my hurt." We fall down but we get back up. We cannot stay there, for our effectiveness in the kingdom is paralyzed when we focus solely on our hurts rather than the Lord's holiness. This is my struggle. I am being delivered day by day. One day at a time. I own it, and I hope by sharing just this small portion of my life experience it may benefit who it is meant to reach.
Last Sunday, I celebrated five years of being cancer free,and in my daily bible reading that morning, I was in Exodus. My eyes hit the page and my heart skipped a beat, my breath was taken away for a split second as I said this word...
Now, I am at six years cancer-free and allowing God to work his miracles in turning around this codependent mind.And He is. One day at a time. Sometimes one hour at a time. To Him be the Glory, He's worth all of it!! My eyes are on Him. I pray the same for you...smile.
If I had one word to describe the year 2013 it would be...different. I celebrated my fourth year being cancer-free, without a word on facebook, an acknowledgement on caringbridge or even so much as a reminder to my family. I needed some time off.Even as both,difficult and freeing, as the cancer diagnosis was, it had become familiar, my new normal. For three years, atleast. I had a new peer group who saw things in a way that made sense to me because they too had walked through it or were currently there.
Over the course of several years, and some hard reality checks, I realized I had something that felt worse than cancer, I was codependent. People talk about cancer, they don't talk about codependency , it's taboo. We just remain silent. I did feel that familiar tug from the Lord that we were about to go around another curve in the road. I buckled my seat belt of truth, which is the Bible and began the next part of the journey. This one required being more aware of the ways I had allowed the enemy to steal my joy. Oh at the joy I have in my heart now because I cleaned out some of the junk.
I remember being at a bookstore ,with the kids,when I came across the book titled "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie. It was in January of 2012, two years ago. I couldn't put it down because I felt like I was reading another part of my life story. I felt upset and relieved at the same time. Now what, Lord? What do I do with this? I was actually ready to open myself up to dealing with my issues rather than shoving them down in my "deep freezer" of a soul. What is that you say? My true feelings and fears were frozen. Solid. I could not live in the denial of thinking it was up to me to rescue, redirect, rehabilitate, or readjust my own life to make others at ease. It caused "dis" ease for me, get it, disease? It's unhealthy, just like having cancer and not treating it,the same thing applies to being codependent and not treating it. This is not someone else's problem, it is mine, I own it. How freeing.
In the past, if I felt threatened or unable to fix something or somebody (ouch) , I grew silent in words. I internalized it or I talked the situation up and down and sideways trying to figure out what I had done wrong or could do better. I worried and prayed and worried and prayed. Somehow I know typing those two words with the word "and" in the middle is not God's design for my life. They contradict each other.
The deep freezer got full. So full that the door would no longer close. So, I began the uncomfortable process of cleaning out the freezer within. I began to take the items out, one by one and use them. Though I would have loved to begin the irrational process of tossing it all out at one time and when I say toss, I mean THROW OUT! And once those items are in the trash it's like.."they never happened." ugghhh. Denial at it's worse! The more I cleaned out, it seemed the more that I remembered from years ago. Mainly just, choices and decisions, made along the way, that had caused the consequences I chose to ignore, until now. I had allowed so much of it and that was a hard pill to swallow! I was thawing out.
I am still thawing out. I am cleansed. I am free. I am no longer full of old hurts, disappointments, or loss. I now have more room in my heart to take care of the one person that houses my heart, me. Through Jesus' love, I am forgiven and free. Recovery from cancer treatment was grueling, recovery from codependency feels the same at first. I have to choose to change my thoughts and my deeds. I have to remain so close to the Shepherd, that there is no time to doubt what I am doing, but just following Him. Even when it's hard and even when it hurts.
On one of those days as I cried out to Him telling him how hurt I was, I heard these words " I am hurt, but you are Holy" and I whispered aloud " your Holiness covers my hurt." We fall down but we get back up. We cannot stay there, for our effectiveness in the kingdom is paralyzed when we focus solely on our hurts rather than the Lord's holiness. This is my struggle. I am being delivered day by day. One day at a time. I own it, and I hope by sharing just this small portion of my life experience it may benefit who it is meant to reach.
Last Sunday, I celebrated five years of being cancer free,and in my daily bible reading that morning, I was in Exodus. My eyes hit the page and my heart skipped a beat, my breath was taken away for a split second as I said this word...
"I .JUST .WALKED. OUT. OF. EGYPT."
"So teach us to number our days that we may get a heart of wisdom." Psalm 90:12
"So teach us to number our days that we may get a heart of wisdom." Psalm 90:12
Now, I am at six years cancer-free and allowing God to work his miracles in turning around this codependent mind.And He is. One day at a time. Sometimes one hour at a time. To Him be the Glory, He's worth all of it!! My eyes are on Him. I pray the same for you...smile.
Day#68 Receive the Release
Blessings,
Suzanne
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